#the small chance of life
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wow it’s crazy how fine everything is! wow wow definitely am a real person or something definitely not just a thing wearing a skin suit or a hallucination
#memory is bad again right now#in turn influences the unreality#like. doesn’t it just make sense that nothings real?#like#were so small#and insignificant#and meaningless#and. small. so small.#like we won’t even be a memory when the universe dies#it just doesn’t make sense for anything to be real.#maybe just a projection of the universe#maybe#i don’t know#the lifespan of a planet is nothing. yet alone a human.#the small chance of life#do you understand?#doesn’t it just make more sense to not exist?#we’re nothing in the grand scheme of things#i’m nothing#and like. that’s fine.#but don’t trick me into thinking i’m something#crime does crimes#{atlas.txt}
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lol arthur realizes with the other knights after watching merlin flirt and being hit with a wave of deja vu: holy shit you asked me out
merlin and the rest of the knights around a campfire after leaving a village bc lancelot and leon somehow started a brawl in the tavern: ???
arthur points at merlin: after valiant! you asked me to buy you a drink! you were asking me out!
merlin is busy cooking dinner and confused out of his fucking mind: what???…..valiant….oh the knight with the snakes.
gwaine who was slightly tipsy now stone cold sober and sitting up straight against a tree: wait. explain. what do you mean merlin asked you out??
arthur snaps his fingers as he recalls the memory: i apologized for sacking you and you said that if i bought you a drink we’d be even.
merlin now remembering how he had stumbled into camelot, picked a fight with a pigheaded bully which quickly turned homoerotic and flirtatious, and continued their teasing-flirting for days before merlin shot his shot and asked the prince out only to be rejected: oh yeah, i forgot i did that…..wait, you mean you didnt realize what i was asking?
arthur: no?? we argued everyday, how was i supposed to realize you were asking me out??
merlin now abandoning the dinner and staring across the camp at arthur while the rest of the knights watch their back and forth like a game of tennis: to you we were arguing, to me that was very much flirting. i thought you were flirting back so i decided to ask you. then you rejected me
arthur, mentally beating his past self up for fucking up their chance: i didn’t reject you!!! i just didn’t realize what you were asking me. how was i meant to? we fought every chance we got
leon, nudging elyan, glee and excitement riling through him: its happening!!! its finally happening!!! seven long, grueling years is finally paying off!!!
merlin, realizing the misunderstanding and acknowledging the fact that he wasn’t rejected, his flirtations just weren’t noticed - realizing he still has a chance: oh…oh i see. arthur, my dear, our fights were extremely flirtatious. need i remind you of what you said? “do you know how to walk on your knees? would you like me to teach you?” or “i could take you apart with one blow”
arthur, mental capabilities at an all time low: m…my dear��.?????????
merlin grinning devilishly as he realizes that his flirtatious persona he had hidden away after falling head over heels for arthur can make a come back: that is what i called you. should i call you something else? say…mine?
percival gags in elyan’s ear: cheesy
elyan hides a laugh: at least they’re finally getting somewhere. better than the hopeless pining
arthur, flushed from head to toe: ah uh no um im uh
merlin thoroughly enjoying himself: oh come now, your majesty. use your words.
#meanwhile leon is praying his thanks to every god and goddess above for their mercy#his pain and suffering is so over#merlin is going IN on arthur who is red as fuck#gwaine is enjoying himself immensely#lancelot pulls out popcorn to watch the two idiots finally get their acts together#flirty merlin x flustered arthur#i think yes#listen. merlin lived in ealdor. a small village of maybe thirty people - four or five being his own age#he was thrilled to be in camelot and have new faces and people to meet#he was definitely the village tease or flirt or whatever#he was gonna be a rake in camelot but unfortunately managed to fall hopelessly in love with the prince of camelot#he burned his dreams of being a rake in exchange for arthur#the issue? arthur rejected his advances. next issue? merlin’s feelings remained and grew#so merlin is a lovesick puppy for a prince who doesnt feel the same and he cant find it in himself to look at anyone else bar a few cases#he and lancelot def slept together at least once. him and gwaine tumbled into bed a few times together#but his heart always belonged to arthur he just never imagined hed get a chance to let his affection be known#now that he knows arthur never knew of his intentions in the first place and was quick to deny he rejected him#merlin is more than happy to let that part of his personality come back and terrorize arthur is a way he hadnt been able to before#hes living his best life rn#bbc merlin#merlin emrys#arthur pendragon#merthur#knights of the round table#fanfiction ideas#prompts#headcanon
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it is all chaos and entropy. the thing is that the chaos and entropy make it beautiful and lovely.
yes, it's true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is terrifying. i have lived through some of the unfairness - i got born like this, with my body caving into itself, with this ironic love of dance when i sometimes can't stand up for longer than 15 minutes. i am a poet with hands that are slowly shutting down - i can't hold a pen some days. recently i found a dead bird on our front porch. she had no visible injuries. she had just died, the way things die sometimes.
it is also true that nature and the universe are uncaring and unspecific, and that is wonderful. the sheer happenstance that makes rain turn into a rainbow. the impossible coincidence of finding your best friend. i have made so many mistakes and i have let myself down and i have harmed other people by accident. nature moves anyway. on the worst day of my life she delivers me an orange juice sunset, as if she is saying try again tomorrow.
how vast and unknowing the universe! how small we are! isn't that lovely. the universe has given us flowers and harp strings and the shape of clouds. how massive our lives are in comparison to a grasshopper. the world so bright, still undiscovered. even after 30 years of being on this earth, i learned about a new type of animal today: the dhole.
chance echoing in my life like a harmony between two people talking. do you think you and i, living in different worlds but connected through the internet - do you think we've ever seen the same butterfly? they migrate thousands of miles. it's possible, right?
how beautiful the ways we fill the vastness of space. i love that when large amounts of people are applauding in a room, they all start clapping at the same time. i love that the ocean reminds us of our mother's heartbeat. i love that out of all the colors, chlorophyll chose green. i love the coincidences. i love the places where science says i don't know, but it just happens.
"the universe doesn't care about you!" oh, i know. that's okay. i care about the universe. i will put my big stupid heart out into it and watch the universe feast on it. it is not painful. it is strange - the more love you pour into the unfeeling world, the more it feels the world loves you in return. i know it's confirmation bias. i think i'm okay if my proof of kindness is just my own body and my own spirit.
i buried the bird from our porch deep in the woods. that same day, an old friend reaches out to me and says i miss you. wherever you go, no matter how bad it gets - you try to do good.
#writeblr#warm up#i can't write rn but i have SO much words in here bc im reading the chorus of dragons books#(just started book 4)#and this woman's writing is just LIVING in my brain. let me out!!!#(i read roughly like 2-4 books a week usually bc i go on long walks with my dog but when a book is REALLY good like. it eats my life. )#anyway ...... so like here's a story that idk i've tried to explain to other people as being wild#but maybe im the only one who thinks it is wild???#so i play pokemon go (i just started in jan) bc i love pokemon and as i have mentioned i walk goblin for like an hour in the morning#and i don't like a lot of fitness trackers due to the fact it makes me .sad. but i also wanted the little digital rewards. enter pokemon go#anyway so they make you make friends to complete quests. so i used a reddit thread. i do not usually use reddit. i don't have an acct#i lurked. i just googled like ''pokemon go reddit '' and randomly added a bunch of numbers#i was on that page for all of 15 minutes. there are THOUSANDS of responses on that page.#here's what's wild: in that group of people. even though i am not on reddit and it was one random event once#it turns out one of those people lives in the town i live in. or at least very close. i only know this because#when we send each other gifts. it's from the same freaking area.#i can't ask them to meet up bc pokemon go doesn't have a messaging app lol but like . what are the fucking chances that#a random person posts in a random reddit thread and HAPPENS to get added by someone ELSE from their SAME TOWN#who by pure fucking CHANCE is ALSO playing pokemon go and looking for friends#i googled it there's only 42000 people in my broad region. the .......... smallness ! of the world!!!
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i think it would be really funny for kabru to be lactose intolerant
#the chances that kabru has not eaten a dairy product in his adult life are ridiculously small but i think it'd be hilarious#if they found this out after laios tried sharing a cheesecake with kabru#their courtship should be filled with embarrassing unromantic shenanigans#labru#dunmeshi
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home, belonging, a family you found for yourself, two lost souls that rescued one another.
#realisation starts to slowly hit her#Audrey Hall#Siegfried Farnon#Helen Herriot#Helen Alderson#ACGAS#ACGAS 2020#ACGAS spoiler#All Creatures great and small#Gerald Hammond#it were so many little things but mostly the people#she could not leave behind someone like Siegfried who's known her for so long#they have both helped each other through their darkest times#and she is like a mother to Helen as well as a good friend#How can you leave all these people behind that have become your family?#you took the other chance life offered you: Skeldale#because it is home
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Torn between being:
- rather upset that the Secret History is viral and therefore not written for solely me to think about and base my personality on, and
- extremely delighted at how enraged the greek class would be upon learning that their gorgeously aesthetic classical tragedy (which depicts how their lives were marred by hubris, illusion, and excess, inevitably leading them down a path to madness and death) has become mainstream
#their entire vibe is based on being niche#outside the bounds of ordinary life capitalism and you know… mortality#can you imagine their reactions to some of the tsh content out there??#richard would be so heated lmao#I doubt they would be huge fans of modern adaptations of greek myths either#henry winter vs the percy jackson novels#they would take him out like a small victorian child#I’m certain he wouldn’t hesitate to push RR into a ravine given the chance#the secret history#tsh#richard papen#henry winter#camilla macaulay#charles macaulay#francis abernathy#bunny corcoran#dark academia#donna tartt
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im actually really good at admitting when i dont know things its just that people keep talking to me about things that i know a lot about and am objectively correct on
#this is a cartoony exaduration of a very real sentiment#whoch is that im often told that i come off like i 'need to be right about everything'#but i have achived a place in my life where i recognize when i dont have all the info or perspective nessesary need to Listen#and that i dont have to have a strong opinon abt everything#and that admitting that i lack knowledge or opinion rather than masking that with false confidence is better in the long run#bc it dosent put you on defense - makes you more receptive to new information + perspectives + corrections#its just that people will try to tell me their opinions about lawn mowers and im not going to pretend like i dont know more than them#when i do. which happens to be all the time#never met a person whos done as much reaserch on lawns + lawn care industry and related issues such as sore machines#(small off road engines)#i know theyre out there but the chances of me finding them is small and i have yet to do so#and then people try and give me their opinions abt this subject and if THEY dont shut up and listen i go rabid#like i know when its my turn to shut up and listen but sometimes im right and OTHER people need to be shutting up and listening#but also even outside of that i tend to come off as harsh/agressive/judgmental even when relaying info that im not obsessive abt like lawns#its the autism. i just word things blunt and talk with flat affect and dont know how to soften the blow well when correcting people#or even just adding my own perspective + ideas to convo without intent of 'correcting' anyone#such is life i suppose#just so long as nobody tries to tell me lawns are ethical ill be fine#<- remembers when i made a post that accidently got attention abt this subject and melted down#bc the strangers on the internet dont understand that this is my WHOLE THINF#if you knew me in real life youd understand. its my passion#text#im putting this is the lawn tag actually#lawn posting
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I need to work on the composition but this has potential to fuck severely.
#kinda thinking storybook pop-up style layering?#not utmv#sorry guys just a quick peak into my everyday life insanity ig#this is my beloved son Tyson#he's a sad little english settler ghost boy who was killed in the woods by wolves after he went searching for his father abd got caught in#a beartrap#now he haunts a carnival which came to town one day. there's a night-crew of other ghosts who work there#but he's just homesick and petty and refuses to give the place a chance#also he's like. 9. and idk how small to make him compared to the tent lmao#spotatalk#last note: welcome back to my Red Sketches. i am deeply unwell and always do mono-color sketches lol
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On the subject of gotham county line and batman noel and so on and so forth it’s pretty frustrating (from a watsonian pov) that anytime Bruce hallucinates Jason being loving/ caring/helpful/compassionate towards him it’s always as robin and never as his current self
#it's ironic because Jason as robin never got the chance to become as obedient & devoted (malleable) to Bruce as he currently is#which is a result of being abused/manipulated for a more prolonged period of time#“maybe if I try harder and do it right this time he'll finally see the truth”#classic abuse tactic#no matter how well the victim fits the mold set by the abuser they’ll never acknowledge it#rather if they see you trying they’ll push harder and tell you you’re not perfect#the small shreds of affection here and there are important for motivating the victim to keep trying#kelseethe#Jason initiating the hug in rhato 27 after Bruce insinuated that those beatings will be a regular occurence bc he deems it a necessity#continuing to support Bruce even after Ethiopia and sticking around to help get Damian back#eagerly cooperating with Bruce + co in event leviathan then getting surprise pikachu faced/hurt after being betrayed#making a conscious decision to comfort Bruce in gotham war after Bruce fucked him up and left him behind#having undying conern for Bruce's wellbeing while Bruce regularly endangers his life#ex. Bruce's weird habit of committing vehicular assault on Jason whenever they're on the road demonstrated both in tfz and gotham war#point being: Jason was much more psychologically fit to be defiant towards Bruce when he was robin compared to now#he's more of a “good son”™ now than he was as robin Bruce is just too used to thinking whatever he wants and never being satisfied#the only times Jason got mad/upset at Bruce during one issue and continued to stay mad until the next#other than lost days and utrh was batman 410-411 and early in aditf before Bruce helps Jason find Sheila#so much worse has happened since then and all that just magically became water under the bridge off-panel
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THE ORDER OF PALMS An order of holy folk that serve The Helm, working to create powerful Aasimar Paladins for the purpose of protecting any who hire their help. [BACKSTORY UNDER CUT]
One day, Gjör and her peers were lead by their mentor Opheria, to a mission far from their home. On the peak of that mountain village, they saw upon the horizon, the castle of their home go up in flames. Horrified and scared, the apprentices sought to follow their mentors guidance, and followed her lead into a small barn. It was there, that Opheria proceeded to slaughter each and everyone of the apprentices. It seemed she somehow had a hand in this sudden attack on the Order of Palms. Gjör D'annevual survived a sword through the 'heart', on account of a rare condition, that places her heart on the other side of her chest. When she finally managed to bring herself back home, the Order was insulted by her survival. She had so many better peers, why couldn't any of them have survived? This runt was seriously the only thing that survived Opherias wrath? It was better to just wash their hands clean of this. Thus the Order decided to banish Gjör from their ranks. She now travels the land in search of a purpose.
#luckys original content#dungeons and dragons#MY OCSSSS MY WONDERFUL OCSSS ITS BEEN SO LONGGGG!!this is a fairly old character that i made foreeeever ago#i was trying to go full on into DND LORE ONLY instead of makin up my own stuff. so when i was lookin around i learned abt THE HELM#the god of protection or watever it was. i also like playing paladin bc i love to hit things w my sword. i also like aasimars bc theyrprett#im sure i ahd other Min Maxy reasons for her but i dont have her sheet n ive forgotten everything. never got a chance to play her but yknow#maybe someday. I LIKE HER ALOT TOO. big and strong and well meaning but a lil dumb. justa lil dense n stupid. but she tries!!#I LIKE CHARACTERS THAT HAVE JUST SMALL THINGS DIFERENT ABT THEM. i knew some1 who had that condition. where everythings just flipped#aint that fucked up? that ur organs can just be flipped? and inever see it in fiction. its so neat. imagine finding out like THIS too#she had blacked out from the sword through the heart. the last thing she heard from her mentor was;#'you were a great student. that is why you above all else must die. i hope you understand' spoken through a gentle voice and a gentle smile#the very same that had guided Gjör so far through her journey.A BETRAYAL LIKE NO OTHER! she awoke utop a pile of comrades#each bloodied and dead and cold. she used her own magic to heal herself. to catch herself from the precipice of bleeding out#when she stepped out of the barn she had found that the village was burned to the ground#she was shellshocked!! it took her weeks to limp all the way back down that mountain. all the way back to the place she called home#only to be spit on and kicked back out. being a Paladin of the Palms was her entire life. what was she to do now?#OH SO THE ART. I RLY LIKE HER DESIGN.heavily based off of THE BABY SITTER from HALO LEGENDS. i fuckin love halo so much guys.....#i just love that trope of Big Strong Person in Armor that we all thought wasa fullgrown MAN takes off the helmet to revel shesa PRETTY GIRL#my favorite in the WORLD!! i also like the silly frilly pretty dress sorta motif in gjors armor. it hides all the stuff i dont wanna draw#thats all the ramble i got in me for now. PLEASE ENJOY. and ask me abt my ocs
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well since I'm getting it removed in a few weeks anyways I honestly can say I hope it is cancer and I hope once it's removed I get some of my energy back even if it happens slowly and I hope my digestive system returns to "normal" function ☹
#most likely I will have to be on medication the rest of my life she said but there's a small chance my body can compensate#either way. I just hope I can not be tired every second of every day
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not halloween related but i have been embroidering some truly succulent koi lately. any victorian gentleman would be lucky to have me as his boywife.
#personal#they're kinda small cuz they're part of a larger project#but i've been pumping these suckers out like a twink in a eggpreg fic#i think i will be naming them as well#but i tend to play very fast and loose with embroidery so theres a good chance they will also die a painful death via dethreader#such is life y'know
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I've noticed an attitude that some parents have where their perceived right to own their children outweighs their duty as a parent. It seems like so much emphasis is placed on the parents ability to own raise a child that it completely clouds any other responsibility for that child. I see it all the time around my culture, where parenthood isn't a question of "if," but "when," because it is seen as ubiquitous to being an adult, and I wonder how many people start believing that because they were expected to be a parent even when they did not want parenthood, they should be rewarded for it.
These are just shots of thoughts, but I've found that this idea that parenthood is your right when you own a child can contribute to an environment of abuse, neglect, or mistreatment of the child/ren in one's care.
And, absolutely, the opportunity of even being a parent has been leveraged in cruel ways, and I think that's an important consideration because it is completely heinous. In my country alone, forced sterilization has been a political strategy for eugenics and to complete a political narrative about the worth of people's right to even live. When thinking about everything above, it reminded me of other ways that parenthood both reinforces violence, perpetuates violence, and threatens violence. This problem goes much deeper than I think many are ready for, and I wanted to acknowledge this due to how pervasive this "political strategy" was/is in many places. I don't think I myself am equipped to truly do this specific topic justice, but I felt it pertinent to this conversation, and something I don't always see even passively acknowledged.
#politics#youth liberation#forced sterilization tw#abuse#abuse tw#abuse mention tw#the first two paragraphs i wrote and then remembered exactly how deep this goes and i think multiple things are true at once#the pressure to be a parent has had drastically horroble results but also... parenthood has been forcibly revoked from people...#...in my country specifically the disabled/indigenous/Black communities and i am SURE i'm missing people. this is a small example...#...their right to autonomy and even the /chance/ to care for life was stolen away from them#parenthood becomes a tool and strategy not for parental sake but for violence
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🕸🎀˚.⁺⊹
#so i have an appt. to the psychiatric department for personality disorders tmrw...#and like i tried sending a self referral to them last year lmao#and they only said that heyyy you're doing amazing sweetie you are high functioning 🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻#then i've ben to the health care center and since they think they cant treat me bc it's too severe they've sent referrals to other places#which have all declined me... so they also sent one to the psychiatric who sent a referral to this pd department#who that time also said that they can't accept me#so the therapist at the health care center like idk exactly but she sent a report on how they didnt handl my case properly#which made them call on me for an evalutation appt.#but i have 0 hopes. i honestly think the entire psych care is fucking lame and bullshit#i highly doubt they're even equipped to treat personality disorders#& even if they are theire budgetis getting cut bc ppl love having rightists ruling the government .... which means no funds for healthcare#anyway. PLUS it's a man.... -_- which reducuses my chances of being taken seriously even more...#i also hate talking to male therapists/psychiatrists... no fucking thanks. but i have to </3#i just really dont wanna go. like im gonna have to put energy into trying to argue for my right for treatment. w ppl who should inferstand#UNDERSTAND* i hate typing on my ipad ffs. they should understand my personality disorders..#bit health care proffessionals are horrible ppl and dont give a fuck abt their patients lol. so they're only condescending and rude 🤢🤮#i hate being in these environments bc everyone treats u like shit. the receptionists are so fkn rude and almost outright mean and insulting#the doctors and therapists and psychiatrists are all bullies who look down on u and make u feel small and worthless#so im really dreading it... but im also at my wit's end. i am missing out on my entire life. im desperate for help#even if i wholeheartedly believe that these worthless wastes of space wont give me any treatment i'll still need to go and try#then ig i'll just have to keep pestering the healthcare system. i might wventually even have to start going to the psych. ER so they put#that on my records and like idk. that costs money tho. plus from everyone i've heard from...#being at a psych ER esp when your situation isnt dire is awful and hell#my cousin who had been ther after a sui attempt had said that it 'scared him straight'#and that it was so terrible that he did everything to get back home as soon as possible and do whatever to never end up there again#so yuh... i'd rather not!#i was supposed to (my own decision) to write a list with ALL my symptoms and bring and be like LOOK MONGREL!!!#but since i suffer from avpd...... i havent. i procrastinated and now it's too late whoopsie. i'll just have to wing it fuckkkk 🥴#ofc it also has to be 8.45 .. so early in the morning for me im so mad ahhhhh i dont wanna go i am throwing up and screaming#but atp i'd have to pay $35 myself for not going so that will motivate me enough to force myself to go
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How I imagine Robin is watching Jonathan and Nancy from her locker.
#she's doing an anthropolical study of the straights#contrasting Jonathan and Nancy with Jason and Chrissy#she's pulling music out of her locker and straight up eavesdropping#while Jonathan and Nancy are much more tame in their PDA the convos are much more batshit#like for a solid month she thinks they just got way too into dnd until Eddie is like I've never seen them in my LIFE#(this is a lie Jonathan bought weed from him once but then decided to go to reefer rick for later purchases)#anyways poor Robin can't decide if the weirdos are better or WORSE than Jason and Chrissy who like openly call each other pookie#and are constantly kissing and being overall kinda gross (Chrissy thinks this is normal and going with it)#in the end Robin is like those two might be crazy but they're so much more entertaining#(it's a small school she's bored sue her)#and then they finally get introduced at Starcourt and Robin is ready to absolutely interrogate them but never gets the chance#... can you tell I've thought about this#stranger things#st headcanons#jonathan byers#nancy wheeler#robin buckley
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I kind of wish I had heels, just so I can see if I could run in them
#I mean it’s not improbable that I’d be able to#we’ve done balanced focused sports most of our life#we do also have shitty ankles though#(on the small chance one of our friends sees this and has heels could be a fun movie night activity)#(hypothetically)#(this is probably just going into the void though but a man can try)
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